diet plzz

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 02:02:22 GMT

my mind is going crazy. i have such a headache.

today has been really hard in a lot of ways.

i might do my community service tomorrow but i don't know if i can mentally handle doing that right now because i am so on edge. im confused.

i hope tomorrow doesn't suck :[

bleck.

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 14:41:25 GMT

about to smoke a joint with shane. im excited.

hunger is such a great feeling!

i can't wait to start fasting again.

liquids, crackers, laxatives, occasionally stacker 2's, and maybe cereal.

dope dope dope, i can't wait.

as long as i consume <300 cals a day i can lose up to 5 lbs.

and i have a good karma bracelet which is supposed to make me successful in every aspect of my life.

ahhh i've been waiting for this moment. :D

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 16:25:32 GMT

friday i ended up getting sick and leaving nat's at 11. saturday i chilled with shane, he doesn't have a car anymore so now i have nothing to do and no way to hang out with shane. i feel bad for him. :[ bummer. parents suck.

haven't dreamt about tyler since thursday....it's been nice without him in my head.

i gotta get a job and some money.....american apparel & a new car...for real.

this friday should be a lot better though. LIQUID JUNGLE @ THE LOUNGE yaayyy! what a trip.

have to finish homework.

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 19:14:39 GMT

so my plan is

stop chiefin so much so i can:

work/get a job/save up for my fucking car, which will be dope as shit.

and do school.

i need to concentrate on making as much money as possible for the next month or two.

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 12:59:37 GMT

i haven't taken a shower since monday night. hahaha

i'm ready for a fun crazy weekend, which i probly wont remember. maybe i'll get a camera. hahahaha

chief.

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 13:40:59 GMT

twirling 'round with this familiar parabol,
spinning, weaving 'round each new experience.
recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
chance to be alive and breathing

we are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 13:35:23 GMT

so i've been reading these books:

The Hidden Face of God-Science Reveals the Ultimate Truth

Hyperspace-a scientific odyssey through parallel universes, time warps, and the 10th dimension

The Elegant Universe- superstrings, hidden dimensions, and the quest for the ultimate theory

Parallel worlds- a journey through creation, higher dimensions, and the future of the cosmos

101 Things You Don't Know About Science and No One Else Does Either

Taking the Quantum Leap- the new physics for non-sceientists

i think that explains enough.
as for the rest of my life-
school is good. tyler is strange. tool is amazing. my car is fucked up. my life is changing more with each day.

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 19:15:19 GMT

things to spend money on:

khakis
shoes
gym mem.
1/2 oz
straightener

i hate myself. i feel so fat and ugly.

i started school yesterday and it was awesome. i can't wait to go back tomorrow.

there was a cute guy there :D

buttttt shane and i have been sort of dating the past week or so.

i also got a new job at coldstone in roswell and i go in today for training 4-9, im pretty stoked.

i need a cool haircut.

i pull up to the club, man i'm a stunna

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 02:49:43 GMT

got my nails done and they look amazing

shane and i are chillin now :D

going to lenox mall on sunday with les, natalie and matt

chillin with all of them tomorrow and going to swayzes. yeah dude.

i'm never eating again.

i need something to replace food but i don't know what that could be.

uggh i just want to die. i'm so fat and disgusting.

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 13:51:19 GMT

get me out of this mother fucking house!

i couldn't even go to yoga today to be in a calm quiet place.

where the fuck can i go?

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 15:05:49 GMT

tripping is cool.

im working today, tomorrow, and thursday.

i have money coming in at different directions, it's nice.

sean broke up with me. he said he didn't want to "try." how pathetic.

i want a boyfriend.........

i went to the mall with leslie and got some cool stuff.

ummmmm yeah, don't know what to say but i can't wait to trip some more.

shit dude.

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 23:49:25 GMT

the fort has been so much fun.

tonight at leslies....will be something like:

PICTURE YOURSELF IN A BOAT ON A RIVER
WITH TANGERINE TREES AND MARMALADE SKIES
SOMEBODY CALLS YOU, YOU ANSWER QUITE SLOWLY
A GIRL WITH KALEIDOSCOPE EYES

CELLOPHANE FLOWERS OF YELLOW AND GREEN
TOWERING OVER YOUR HEAD
LOOK FOR THE GIRL WITH THE SUN IN HER EYES

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 19:39:40 GMT

could i lose 15 lbs by aug. 28th?

lets see.

total liquid diet. im never eating again.
i might purge. i feel so insecure right now
and fatter than ever.

i want it to be hard for me to find clothes.

only strict safe foods
im going back to my old ways.

im not even going to drink sweet tea anymore. mostly water, apple juice, no milk, smoothie king.
im going to make a list.

then im going to the gym tonight with my brother and signing up for 2 weeks.
im gonna go every morning and maybe later at night. finally :D

im not going to be a fat lazy piece of shit any more.

i'll have will power.

im so excited to get skinny, 90 is my goal.

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 02:18:08 GMT

i built a fucking fort today!

i wish i had these to go in it

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 14:44:40 GMT

so....update:

sean (laherty/bridgemill) and i are together. we'll see how that goes. i'm not jumping into anything emotionally or physically. i love spending time with him.

i spent the night at leslie's and came home late yesterday. i was pooped, to say the least.
i talked to brittany and now i think things are fine between us, so she doesn't want to kill me any more.
we went to justin's house, ate burgers, chilled at the pool, went to kroger, leslie went to sleep early and justin and i chilled with some fire and a bong, and i totally crashed on that tiny couch. xanex can make even a meth head fall asleep for hours. i still don't think i have recovered.

hahaha, im naked typing on the laptop.
now i have clothes on. hahaha

im going to the school today to get my work permit finally.

i'm still fat as fuck. too bad i have no will power. and when i don't eat, my body fucks up.
i wish my brother would take me to LA fitness and get me signed up.

bleck, a lot of things have been going on, but im just in a blah mood. i want to go back to sleep.

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 01:45:26 GMT

been hanging out with a lot of people lately, like thomas, sean, shane, pico, poncho, bogan, eric, ulysses, etc.

shawn R. is an asshole, fuck that shit.

i lost my poor ipod on the 4th of july :[ i miss it so bad.

im going to mc d's to get a job tomorrow and it's gauranteed i will get hired. im pretty stoked about making money.

the next chance i get, im going with my brother to LA fitness to get a 2 week free membership thing. im fat as can be, and i can't wait to get toned and skinny.

my mind is so fried right now, i don't know how i am possibly typing this.

i need to take a shower and straighten out my life, for real.

the only reason i'm getting a job is for a car. i can't wait.

i'm going to the home school university next year off of east cherokee.

so, i guess i have a lot of things to look forward to. i just wish i had more motivation and self control.

im trying to respect my body a little more, so i won't let people use me and i try to think before i make big decisions.

i love laying in bed more than anything.

i keep running around when all i want is to lay motionless.

i wanna stay home for a while and sleep. and i want a fucking tempurpedic bed, god dammit.

shawn has been really nice to me lately, but im NOT jumping into things. im just gonna see what happens, and if anything happens.

i don't have any one to tell this stuff to, so i had to at least write it out, even though no body reads this any more.

everything's in order in a black hole

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 12:45:51 GMT

cj doesn't want to be friends with me anymore
because of what happend with shawn.
shawn doesn't pay me much attention
maybe he's just confused?
damn, this thing with cj sucks.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i've lost everything,
i crawled back to the only person i knew who cared about me
that person was shane.
don't know whats gonna happen with him.
shawn is telling brittany the news today.
but i don't know who to go to.
i don't have cj, only bitterness
i don't have shawn or a relationship or a job
i've got weed and sleep and music

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 21:55:47 GMT

My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.

xanex hangover

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 21:34:00 GMT

im crazy about this person.
he makes me soooo happy.
i could seriously fall madly in love in a matter of seconds.
but, it's sketchy, its probably a bad idea.
he'd be leaving a lot of shit behind,
but i would try to keep him out of trouble.
we've gotta keep it on the dl though.
ahhhhhhhhh, im SMITTEN.
and so fucking glad i don't have to deal with shane anymore.
yes yes yesssss!
now i have something to look forward to.

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 02:23:19 GMT

i think i like cj. i love hanging out with him and doing things with him more than i like it with shane. i think that shane thinks that cos he has money i will flock to him....

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then.

my day today:

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 02:18:36 GMT

horoscope for june 22-

You may find yourself being too harsh or forceful when dealing with others at work, especially in a one-on-one situation. Remember that part of your job on earth is to inform. Whether others are responding in the way you expected can be a whole other story. This could be a most rewarding day as you learn to let go of expectations. Surprises are positive and may change your outlook. You are learning to clear your mind in order to move forward. You will find many different opportunities to grow and express yourself. You have a natural love of the material world but can survive most efficiently without the most necessary items. You teach thriftiness. This evening, someone is sincere with their compliments.

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 14:40:26 GMT

Cast the calming apple
Up and over satellites
To draw out the timid wild one
To convince you it's alright
And I listen for the whisper
Of your sweet insanity while I formulate
Denials of your affect on me

You're a stranger
So what do I care
You vanish today
Not the first time I hear
All the lies

What am I to do with all this silence
Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away terrified child
Won't you move away you fucking tornado
I'm better off without you
Tearing my will down

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 12:21:44 GMT

Say hello to everything you've left behind
It's even more a part of your life now that you can't touch it

Wed, 30 May 2007 01:43:28 GMT

I miss the part, when we were moving forward now
On our way down
But maybe someday, I'll be something more than love
Just know I'll never tell

And when you're on your way down
Through the clouds
And you're waiting for your body's re-entry again

We speak in different voices
When fighting with the ones we've loved
We speak in different voices
Why can't we say what we're thinking of

I'm missing parts, now that you've told me everything
On our way down
And I was blessed and I've forgotten how to love
You said you'd never tell

10 days until tool :]

Sat, 26 May 2007 02:11:30 GMT

the past month or so i've been really confused. i don't know what i want to do. i don't know if i want to be with shane or date around or be single. there aren't many pros about dating around, i just end up feeling empty. i thought shawn and i would like, start liking each other and shit, but he never acts like it untill i'm leaving his house after having sit there for an hour playing halo, then he's like, "awe, do you have to go right now?" shane and i are still broken up. one night i called him and cried and cried. i told him that i felt like he was the only good thing in my life. i said that he made me so happy and so....something unexplainable. i just don't know what i want to do. and cj keeps messaging me and stuff. he really likes me, but i don't like him that way. i like shawn, but shawn doesn't act like he likes me. after being with him the past few days, i see that i want to be with someone and feel loved and hold hands. honestly, im afraid to get back with shane because i was always so frustrated with him. i could never see him or talk to him. his parents hate me, too, and he doesn't smoke often and those are some big cons. im sick of chasing after shawn and shit. this kid bogan likes me too, and i kinda like him. its nice, its cute, but i don't know if we're going to get any more serious. ever since shane and i broke up, i've felt so lost, confused, angry, and alone. i keep telling myself this is what i should do though. i always bitched and bitched about wanting to be on my own and with other people. i said i didn't want to be tied down to just one person. if i were with shane, i would be happier, but i'd still be mad over something. i like the thought of having someone by my side, but when boys start affecting your plans with other people, then it makes me mad because i feel like i am losing some freedom. i wish that i could think up a person with every quality i want but i wouldn't know where to start. i don't want to waste my gas on shawn anymore. i feel like he used me almost. shane is letting me "change" and "mature" so i can "respect" him again. there's so many things coming in different directions, i feel like i'm being attacked.

i feel lost, like i need to find peace with myself. i really love numerology.
it seems like something is missing, i feel like i don't belong to anything.